The Manipur government can speak out for or against all sorts of issues ranging from unfair defection law to the union government’s plan to scrap the plans for special category states. Last time, our cheap minister almost shat in his pant when he heard the news from the expert observers of the universe based in Imphal, who informed him that New Delhi is planning to scrap the plan for these ‘special’ states.

Closer in our town, the entire political class is the lion, in a typical Manipuri’s wisdom of ‘nongsa’, and this is regardless of which political party the lions are affiliated to—and the pitch is higher when the closer is the election. But there are a few things the government will never say, leave alone let you know:

We are made for the people, of the people, by the people. Not! Don’t be so naïve to reduce our complex form of governance to a one-liner meant for your school-going kids. Democracy exists on the surface and underneath there are assemblies and councils and deliberations. It is a political idea, a system of theories; it can be basic or direct; it can be also consociational or consensus; and so on and so forth. Besides, democracy exists and I exist because that’s how the deal goes. Without me, you don’t exist unless you are a utopian anarchist asshole.

I donated Rs 1.5 crore in the last fiscal as a token of support for the national movement in the state. If not for these alms, how else can we keep passing the buck to the issues of insurgency and law and disorder for all the delays in development work? It is a sort of symbiotic bonding as well and a win-win situation for all. If you ask about the common people, that’s not my job—all those mundane activities should better be managed by JACs, civil society organisations, Meira Paibi groups, student unions and leikai-club authorities.

In contrast to popular perception, we are not a puppet to New Delhi and don’t misinterpret it by our Kanglasha-like silence during crises. Our connection to New Delhi is no puppetry, you ingrates, but strictly a master-slave relationship and the national capital is never far from Babupura. What is the use in having an international airport? You must appreciate my relationship else without this kind of bonding you will be no different from those hoolock gibbons, who inhabit in some areas along the Burma border.

Who governs Manipur? The answer is the elected representatives, who are represented by ME, the contractors and the bureaucrats—not separately but in an orgasmic threesome style. We help each other; we cover each other’s fault; we share our loots equally; and we indulge in orgy and murder and daylight robbery together. Such profound is the connection! If this is not the kind of ideal human bonding, then I don’t know what is.

We are not incompetent; no, we are not. We just like to use our ability, capability, capacity and facility and whatever-ility when the time is most fitting. Then we would not even mind the redundancies of words and pictures as long as that moment comes and we will be in that exclusive moment of applying our ability, capability, capacity, facility and whatever-ility to solve the dreary worldly problems.

My wealth and status are not the marker of development in our…errr…my society. These are just the product of evolution. Then we had Ambassadors now we have BMWs, but these do not imply development. An Amby could be as good as my BMW M3; fuck the potholes; and coming back to the point, it’s merely a matter of different time and place. In another word, my wealth and status are personal. Don’t be so nosy.

Remember the free booze and paltry ‘Gandhi’ changes I doled out during the last election. Would you say it’s not a kind of investment? I’m kidding it was not an investment. My motives are not to get the return for a few lakh of rupees but the crores that come along with development budget from the masters. New Delhi is dead, long live New Delhi! New Delhi is my saviour. New Delhi is my king. Wú huáng wànsuì, wànsuì, wànwànsuì!

I can sell off my oversexed spouses and dim-wit children as long as my party gives me the assurance that I will get a ‘chair’ in the House. My sole motive of joining politics is to bring a revolution in the legislature and I can even sacrifice my family to realise that goal.

I own a house in one of the posh colonies in New Delhi. Located in an enviable southern part of the NCT, it is a detached property with four bedrooms and two living rooms, one of which opens onto a landscaped garden. Don’t tell anyone but it is in my eldest son’s name. Here, I’d like to quote the American businessman, Robert Kiyosaki, who says: ‘It’s not how much money you make, but how much money you keep, how hard it works for you and how many generations you keep it for.’ Investment, baby, investment!

I’m the master in delaying techniques: If you want me to meet the PM for the ILP system, I have been unable to make an appointment but I’ll do it. If you want me to initiate peace talks with the armed organisations, I’m ready to go to Bangkok or Amsterdam but the militants are not prepared. If you want me to stop police brutality you should go to Babupura, I mean, the police headquarter out there. I’m busy serving my people and by people I mean my family.